Am I falling in love?

A question asks: Do you prefer being around men or women? Do your closest friends tend to be men or women?

I prefer to be with women. I have much stronger respect for them than men. I did not grow up connecting much with guys. I wasn’t into video games, which was the hot topic, or most talked about thing. As well as the sports and shows most guys I hung out with talked about. I couldn’t care about a specific basketball or baseball player, I couldn’t care about the new episode of those shows; though I will give them props for quoting characters of a show so accurately. I can’t do that no matter how hard I try, even now as I’ve watched The Office seven times through. Being around women has intrigued me more, though I didn’t care about the gossip enough; I loved listening though. Women struggles to me seem more difficult than a man’s. I’ve seen women treated as a lesser to a man than a woman treating a man as a lesser of her, from what I’ve learned and witnessed.

My closest friends up until l high school were always boys; at any given year there was up to two other boys I was best friends with. In high school I lost that kind of bond, spent a lot of time feeling out of place. It wasn’t until junior year that I grew a strong connection with, but it was with a girl this time, and in senior year she was my closest friend, though it wasn’t the same the other way around, so it can’t be said we were best friends. After high school, I’ve struggled to maintain a close friendship, though I do cherish more my friendships with women rather than men.

Another question asks: Do you establish routines in your life?

Yes; though these routines are always broken after a while. I know there definitely was a time I wasn’t being a moderate consumer and a binger of activities and whatnot, but because of the consequences of some of those things I’ve acquired a philosophy of moderation, of quality over quantity. I no longer buy the exact same cookies from the same place at the same time of day, as a petty example. When I travel downtown I always make sure I change my route between the same destinations. I’m much more open to taking new challenges, resetting my goals. I don’t want to be predictable, in both physical activities and state of mind. But I will try new routines in day-to-day life to see what could be a better method for myself, like setting up early alarms as I’ve recently done. Sometimes I try to force myself to use this blog once every week or so, but, ya know..

I love improvising though. I don’t want to have a set schedule in my life that I need to or feel the need to run by every so often. To me it’s always about how we’ll get from point A to point B, never using a previous method, and always making sure we get there before dark. I tend to just follow my feet, go wherever they wanna go.

And now some admission:

There’s a woman in my life who I’ve been gradually been falling for, and tonight I’ve realized the depth of it. I feel a little silly over it, and heartbroken. She has been in my life for at least five years, and I’ve always been into her to some degree, and always kept that from everyone. She’s shown me more and more interest in hanging out, and we’ve done what we can to this point. What is making me write this now was that tonight I remembered her, after having gone the whole day without thinking of her, and when I did I felt panicked! I just, wished I could be there to see her, hear her, again. I wished it was much more often. Her company makes me so incredibly happy. The panic was joined by shame; because who was I to have this feeling for her? We’ve barely been finally keeping in touch slightly more often and this intense rush of panic shows me how out-of-proportion my feelings are. I simply don’t believe she’s as into me, or will ever like me as much as I’ve liked her, for me to deserve her love. That’s what shamed me; the self-rejection. I want her to understand that I support her in her struggles to be a stronger mother, student, person. I don’t want to ruin my bond I have with her, therefore I am deeply conflicted when I consider wanting to be her boyfriend. I know it’s still to soon though; it would be a risk too big to take. So instead of showing her these feelings, I’ll keep them here, practically hidden.

Graduation; depression

Yesterday I graduated from Rio Hondo College. AAs in Political Science and Philosophy. I’m two classes away from a third AA in History, which I’ll be taking this summer. Because why not?…

I’m en route to go to Sacramento State. I’ll be majoring in Government with a minor in Philosophy. But that’s not until three months from now. It’s only been one day and I feel the weight of having nothing to do. It’s depressing me.

I have almost two weeks off from work as well; that might be contributing to this uselessness.

Also I have reset my work on my keyboard album. I’ll reduce the album to an EP; I plan to work several short EPs for the time being.. I have the title “The Children’s Escape” constantly running through my head, so I’ll use that as the tentative project title.

Here’s the cover of the eventual EP There Goes Everybody.

I’ll get to work on the keyboard during these next weeks, to have something to work on.

a few questions

The questions goes: If there were a public execution on television, would you watch?

No. I would watch it after the broadcast, on a video platform (like YT).
Why would I watch it though? Because of how rare it occurrs in MY LIFE, that I get to witness an execution.
I’m okay with people watching an execution of myself on television, therefore I’d be willing to watch. If I wasn’t willing to be the person executed, I otherwise wouldn’t let it happen. I’m not sure this event will happen though.

Another question goes: You are given a chance to return to any previous point in your life and change a decision you made, but you will lose everything that has happened to you since then. Is there a time you would return to? If so, would you like to retain the memory of the life you are giving up even though you could never recapture it?

Yes. Just before senior year of high school. I would write myself a letter that would come to this previous moment with me, warning me what my big mistakes will be: not doing much as leader of an academy, not (ever) risking myself to let a girl know I had developed a crush on her, not working hard enough on my French projects (and by not enough, I mean at all), as well as not stopping to straighten my hair sooner. I’m not sure what else was at the forefront of ‘mistakes’ I knew I’d commit throughout the year, but those would be the more prominent, because I still think back to them. Gosh why did I straighten my hair so much. xP

Down to my core though, if I was presented with the button to press the button and go back, I doubt I’d end up pressing it. Those mishaps accurately define who I am today, they keep my track record consistent. Taking those decisions away takes away who I am fundamentally. Wanna hear it explained a third way? I am okay with what I am now, given everything I’ve done. To erase any part of myself, to me, is a full erase on myself. That third explanation sucked didn’t it? Did I at least answer the question.

And NO I won’t elaborate on those specific things I said I would let my past me know.

A third question was here, but it composed of several different questions, so I’ll continue it on another post.

-E

till god do his part

This article released recently explains the underrepresentation of atheists in America. It was a surprise at first but I’m understanding the reasoning mentioned in the article. I haven’t had a tough time with being an atheist in a religious family; it was a combination of my mother accepting me making a decision as an adult as well as how aggressively passive my parents were with me. Though I haven’t been too vocal about where I stand, I’ve made it clear what I thought whenever it was relevant. 

In high school I did not like the idea of picking a major that I had to stick to for the rest of my schooling that would be critical for my career and going to university straight off graduating. It was too heavy an option to make. And then I later learn that a lot of incoming freshmen come in undecided and that  declared majors are always being changed and how expensive it has been to take out loans and how much that alone hinders one’s ability as a homebuyer and what else. Not even knowing these things I told myself Nah I don’t even know myself. I don’t know what my values or priorities are or what I am capable of, so I won’t take that route, not yet without knowing myself.

Philosophy is the strongest tool there is to understanding oneself and the world. It should not be taken for granted the ability to discover one’s values on their own through carefully managing through the various methods of thought that major philosophers have been able to find. It’s too bad those classes are not a priority by the time highschool ends. At least not where I’m from.

For those who either did not want to think hard about their own purpose or did not yet have the mental framework to think with the depth needed to conclude a purpose for oneself (*cough school era kids/ ppl who don’t or won’t care enough) religion made sense! It is an easy guide to carry with you. All this morality layed out for you, now follow it! No sir, sorry sir, but I just am not happy following an outdated book or unscientificly based doctrine when I can instead try what the philosophers did and come to my own conclusions about this world. Find my place in this world, on my own. Make my own path. Sure it was more difficult to do but it feels worth it.

Of course I feel higher than a sheep of an outdated system that had precedent and dominated the generation they were born into. Maybe my ethics are not as great as theirs (note I have not written much yet about my ethics/morality; I will), but I love that I came to my beliefs on my own. I don’t need that system for comfort whenever I look into the sky and remember we are alone in this universe, as far as we know right now. Loneliness and uncertainty does not scare me. Death does not scare me. God does not scare me.

My arms extend to each person in the world. Let us celebrate the scared. Cheers! To the closeted atheists in America and the world! Your struggle is so much more than mine; You keep me looking up to the umiverse in awe and inspiration to fight, not waiting for God to do his part.

It’s been one year since therapy

It’s been one year since my first round of therapy ended.

Prior to the therapy I was consistently surrounded by suicidal resolves. I had lost myself. My art production was nill, except the poetry I would write once a month or so. Those poems became the lyrics to my keyboard album “Tempted to Live.” They were a stream of unedited thoughts, and the lyrics would get more personal and less rythmic, less polished, by the end.

It ended with the resolve to kill myself.

In reality though, I saw only two options going forward. Seek professional help, or end my life.

In therapy, I managed to speak of my traumas.. Topics I was convinced beforehand would never come out. I was able to understand how certain events and leading mindsets controlled the greater scheme of things for me (Notice I’m being general, because you’re not my therapist. I may get more in depth as I release music).

Leaving the therapy I no longer saw it an option to end my life. That’s all I needed, though I learned a great wealth of myself, and I’ll forever be eternally grateful to my therapist for being there to keep me company. The depression didn’t go away completely, it’s still a natural feeling. It simply does not lead me to that fatal resolve.

My childhood is one I wouldn’t wish on an enemy. The sadness that drained me each night, I hate to think how long any given person could sustain it. I deeply love every person I have ever met, those whom I remember, and those whom I forgive. Each individual is a whole universe I wish to travel through; but alas, if I were to focus on each person at a time I would not have a story to hold for myself. Don’t you dare let yourself believe you are alone, not as long as I’m at reach. I do not want to end my life, not without knowing how many stories there are out there I want to know about. Not as long as that beautiful cloudy sky exists. I want to feel the weight of everybody’s hurt. I can feel the weight of it when you’re happy.

To transition, I tend to express specific and related emotions through specific or related mediums of expression. For example, in general when I express love, happiness, tranquility, it will be through photography. My anger, stress, sexual innuendo, will be expressed through my black and white checkered drawings and paintings.

My fears, depressions, weaknesses, will be expressed through music. This natural method of expression answers why my music tends to be of deep, intense themes such as loneliness, romantic loss, anti-religion, death, and suicide (To reword, I never focus on these themes when working on things other than music).

Through therapy I realised this.

My next musical project, titled There Goes Everybody, focuses on losing friends and family to circumstance, but more prominently, to death, as well as losing focus on the ‘greater scheme of things,’ taking advantage of relationships, and feeling taken advantage of, useless, alone. I have reset the project twice now, opting to make several releases over time rather than all at once as an album. This will slowly roll out, but hopefully it all is released by August. Projected setlist is constantly changing, so I can’t share it. Track one though is deadset: 

01. Till Death Do Its Part

-E

My Ex Epilogue, an imaginary band

From the years 2009 and 2014, ages 13-18, I wrote lyrics for songs that only existed in my head (and of course the pages I wrote the lyrics on). I would read the lyrics and the entire set of an alternative rock band would play in my head. I bunched the lyrics into albums to keep them in order, for a total of 54 albums varying from 10 to 18 tracks each. It was an imaginary band called My Ex Epilogue. Most of the lyrics were written in middle and high school during class. bored or attentive, a great deal of where my mind was on were the sheets of lyrics I hid under my book or in the second half of each notebook.

Here’s part of an excel sheet with all the details I was able to keep before the writing was too much ahead of this:

mxp-1

The bold colors to the far left represent the general shift in tone and theme, going from general gory themes to concept albums about world catastrophes to a zombie theme to anti- government from punk sounds to arena rock to pop rock. I took inspiration from My Chemical Romance, The Used, Marilyn Manson, The Strokes, Matchbook Romance, Of Montreal, to name a few..

Then the blue albums and EP titles as well, with the total number of tracks I wrote for the project, then the times the album would be written and then finalized (printed!). the orange titles are individual tracks that stand out the most.

Here’s another glimpse of the data I have,mxp-3

The blue is official album length, green the “B-Sides,” songs that didn’t fit well in the album but stayed as part of the project as a whole. Light blue are EPs, transitional songs or a mix of things that couldn’t fit as an album. orange is lost lyrics. There’s about twice as many lost lyrics I didn’t include. So my total comes to 734 album tracks and 1045 total lyrics written in the six years.

After 2014, I have written ZERO lyrics for this imaginary band My Ex Epilogue, though I still use the title My Ex Epilogue as my artist name when publishing my keyboard/piano albums on SoundCloud.

The 55th album-to-be, My Escape, ended up being a long poetry project of poems ranging from half a page to 6 pages long. This project became the foundation for my 16th keyboard/vocal album, “Tempted To Live,” since virtually all the lyrics come from there.

It became increasingly difficult to write my lyrics in college. I couldn’t afford to divide my attention, and there wasn’t a different setting I felt comfortable writing in.

And thus, was My Ex Epilogue, the project of 1000+ lyrics. I don’t plan on publishing the lyrics, or at least 98% of them, I won’t. x) They’re not that great.

Here’s a list of all the albums in order:

2009

1 Witness Trial 4-Jan
2 Through Betrayal and Blames 15-Mar
3 War Of Assholes 4-May
4 Burn Your Eyes 5-Jul
5 Bastards In Hell 18-Jul
6 Robot Acadamy 1-Aug
7 Orders From The Captain 30-Sep
8 Bullets For My Birthday 25-Oct
9 The Ceremony Isn’t Over Until I Cry 25-Nov

2010

10 World War 4-Jan
11 Where We Will Evenly Burn 14-Feb
12 Innocent Hands With Stains Of Blood 12-Mar
13 The Lights Are Out Again 2-Apr
14 Provoked! 16-Apr
15 SINCAMP 7-May
16 Egos Forever 3-Sep
17 Sanative Master 10-Sep
18 Never Let Go 19-Nov


2011

19 The Dead Parade! 7-Jan
20 The End of the World 11-Mar
21 Maybe It’s Just Love 13-May
22 Disenchant Me 17-Jun
23 Rotten World 15-Jul
24 SIINCAMP 5-Aug
25 Bunnies and Shovels 18-Aug
26 Kill All The Sinners 23-Aug
27 The Stars Under the Sea 10-Sep
28 Easy For Suicide 16-Sep
29 Burning Down the Ghost Town 7-Oct
30 Killer In Me 11-Nov
31 Consequences of the Loveblind 18-Nov
32 Blow Up the Sun! 12-Dec
33 Rapture For My Heart 16-Dec

2012

34 Never Surrender 13-Jan
35 EXPLODE 20-Feb
36 Revenga!! 29-Feb
37 You Never Live Twice 16-Mar
38 Something To Live For 9-Apr
39 Something To Die For 14-May
40 Cxxxx Mxxxx Pxxxx 11-Jun
41 Survive 5-Jul
42 Moderne. Dangereux. 29-Aug
43 Underground Love 14-Sep
44 Raise Your Voice 5-Oct

2013

45 Apocalypse of Love 7-Jan
46 Scattered Light 5-Jul
47 Fall of Heterika 13-Sep
48 Minus the People, Versus the World 31-Oct
49 Vices or Virtues 18-Nov
50 Hiraeth 25-Dec

2014

51 They Will Try Erasing Us 12-Feb
52 Better Days 10-Mar
53 One Last Good Look 20-Apr
54 Modern Cassette 7-Jun

55- “My Escape” (roughly Nov 2014) becomes “Tempted to Live” one year later, November 4th 2015: