It’s been one year since therapy

It’s been one year since my first round of therapy ended.

Prior to the therapy I was consistently surrounded by suicidal resolves. I had lost myself. My art production was nill, except the poetry I would write once a month or so. Those poems became the lyrics to my keyboard album “Tempted to Live.” They were a stream of unedited thoughts, and the lyrics would get more personal and less rythmic, less polished, by the end.

It ended with the resolve to kill myself.

In reality though, I saw only two options going forward. Seek professional help, or end my life.

In therapy, I managed to speak of my traumas.. Topics I was convinced beforehand would never come out. I was able to understand how certain events and leading mindsets controlled the greater scheme of things for me (Notice I’m being general, because you’re not my therapist. I may get more in depth as I release music).

Leaving the therapy I no longer saw it an option to end my life. That’s all I needed, though I learned a great wealth of myself, and I’ll forever be eternally grateful to my therapist for being there to keep me company. The depression didn’t go away completely, it’s still a natural feeling. It simply does not lead me to that fatal resolve.

My childhood is one I wouldn’t wish on an enemy. The sadness that drained me each night, I hate to think how long any given person could sustain it. I deeply love every person I have ever met, those whom I remember, and those whom I forgive. Each individual is a whole universe I wish to travel through; but alas, if I were to focus on each person at a time I would not have a story to hold for myself. Don’t you dare let yourself believe you are alone, not as long as I’m at reach. I do not want to end my life, not without knowing how many stories there are out there I want to know about. Not as long as that beautiful cloudy sky exists. I want to feel the weight of everybody’s hurt. I can feel the weight of it when you’re happy.

To transition, I tend to express specific and related emotions through specific or related mediums of expression. For example, in general when I express love, happiness, tranquility, it will be through photography. My anger, stress, sexual innuendo, will be expressed through my black and white checkered drawings and paintings.

My fears, depressions, weaknesses, will be expressed through music. This natural method of expression answers why my music tends to be of deep, intense themes such as loneliness, romantic loss, anti-religion, death, and suicide (To reword, I never focus on these themes when working on things other than music).

Through therapy I realised this.

My next musical project, titled There Goes Everybody, focuses on losing friends and family to circumstance, but more prominently, to death, as well as losing focus on the ‘greater scheme of things,’ taking advantage of relationships, and feeling taken advantage of, useless, alone. I have reset the project twice now, opting to make several releases over time rather than all at once as an album. This will slowly roll out, but hopefully it all is released by August. Projected setlist is constantly changing, so I can’t share it. Track one though is deadset: 

01. Till Death Do Its Part

-E

My Ex Epilogue, an imaginary band

From the years 2009 and 2014, ages 13-18, I wrote lyrics for songs that only existed in my head (and of course the pages I wrote the lyrics on). I would read the lyrics and the entire set of an alternative rock band would play in my head. I bunched the lyrics into albums to keep them in order, for a total of 54 albums varying from 10 to 18 tracks each. It was an imaginary band called My Ex Epilogue. Most of the lyrics were written in middle and high school during class. bored or attentive, a great deal of where my mind was on were the sheets of lyrics I hid under my book or in the second half of each notebook.

Here’s part of an excel sheet with all the details I was able to keep before the writing was too much ahead of this:

mxp-1

The bold colors to the far left represent the general shift in tone and theme, going from general gory themes to concept albums about world catastrophes to a zombie theme to anti- government from punk sounds to arena rock to pop rock. I took inspiration from My Chemical Romance, The Used, Marilyn Manson, The Strokes, Matchbook Romance, Of Montreal, to name a few..

Then the blue albums and EP titles as well, with the total number of tracks I wrote for the project, then the times the album would be written and then finalized (printed!). the orange titles are individual tracks that stand out the most.

Here’s another glimpse of the data I have,mxp-3

The blue is official album length, green the “B-Sides,” songs that didn’t fit well in the album but stayed as part of the project as a whole. Light blue are EPs, transitional songs or a mix of things that couldn’t fit as an album. orange is lost lyrics. There’s about twice as many lost lyrics I didn’t include. So my total comes to 734 album tracks and 1045 total lyrics written in the six years.

After 2014, I have written ZERO lyrics for this imaginary band My Ex Epilogue, though I still use the title My Ex Epilogue as my artist name when publishing my keyboard/piano albums on SoundCloud.

The 55th album-to-be, My Escape, ended up being a long poetry project of poems ranging from half a page to 6 pages long. This project became the foundation for my 16th keyboard/vocal album, “Tempted To Live,” since virtually all the lyrics come from there.

It became increasingly difficult to write my lyrics in college. I couldn’t afford to divide my attention, and there wasn’t a different setting I felt comfortable writing in.

And thus, was My Ex Epilogue, the project of 1000+ lyrics. I don’t plan on publishing the lyrics, or at least 98% of them, I won’t. x) They’re not that great.

Here’s a list of all the albums in order:

2009

1 Witness Trial 4-Jan
2 Through Betrayal and Blames 15-Mar
3 War Of Assholes 4-May
4 Burn Your Eyes 5-Jul
5 Bastards In Hell 18-Jul
6 Robot Acadamy 1-Aug
7 Orders From The Captain 30-Sep
8 Bullets For My Birthday 25-Oct
9 The Ceremony Isn’t Over Until I Cry 25-Nov

2010

10 World War 4-Jan
11 Where We Will Evenly Burn 14-Feb
12 Innocent Hands With Stains Of Blood 12-Mar
13 The Lights Are Out Again 2-Apr
14 Provoked! 16-Apr
15 SINCAMP 7-May
16 Egos Forever 3-Sep
17 Sanative Master 10-Sep
18 Never Let Go 19-Nov


2011

19 The Dead Parade! 7-Jan
20 The End of the World 11-Mar
21 Maybe It’s Just Love 13-May
22 Disenchant Me 17-Jun
23 Rotten World 15-Jul
24 SIINCAMP 5-Aug
25 Bunnies and Shovels 18-Aug
26 Kill All The Sinners 23-Aug
27 The Stars Under the Sea 10-Sep
28 Easy For Suicide 16-Sep
29 Burning Down the Ghost Town 7-Oct
30 Killer In Me 11-Nov
31 Consequences of the Loveblind 18-Nov
32 Blow Up the Sun! 12-Dec
33 Rapture For My Heart 16-Dec

2012

34 Never Surrender 13-Jan
35 EXPLODE 20-Feb
36 Revenga!! 29-Feb
37 You Never Live Twice 16-Mar
38 Something To Live For 9-Apr
39 Something To Die For 14-May
40 Cxxxx Mxxxx Pxxxx 11-Jun
41 Survive 5-Jul
42 Moderne. Dangereux. 29-Aug
43 Underground Love 14-Sep
44 Raise Your Voice 5-Oct

2013

45 Apocalypse of Love 7-Jan
46 Scattered Light 5-Jul
47 Fall of Heterika 13-Sep
48 Minus the People, Versus the World 31-Oct
49 Vices or Virtues 18-Nov
50 Hiraeth 25-Dec

2014

51 They Will Try Erasing Us 12-Feb
52 Better Days 10-Mar
53 One Last Good Look 20-Apr
54 Modern Cassette 7-Jun

55- “My Escape” (roughly Nov 2014) becomes “Tempted to Live” one year later, November 4th 2015:

a year since “Nohemi”

It’s been a year since the terrorist attack in Paris. The one American life lost in that event was Nohemi Gonzalez, CSULB student from El Monte, my hometown. It shocked me, opened my eyes a little more to the numbness from the terror around us. That event also inspired me to immediately record this track. It was the first track I recorded for the album “Tempted to Live,” which was about loneliness and losing loved ones. I put it as the final track to remember, after each time I listened to the album, why the album even exists. It reminds me how insignificant my pain was in comparison to what Nohemi and her family had experienced.

The weight of the world gets heavier each day, and you survive the weight by becoming stronger than you were the day before.

New Album: Tempted To Live

First time in almost four years I both have an album with vocals and one made with a keyboard instead of the usual upright. It took me a while to settle with a set list. It’s my latest album in 13 months.. that’s quite a gap for me. :3

The concept/lyric in “Tempted To Live” is borrowed from a poetry project I wrote in the past year titled “My Escape.” It entails an individual who spends time at a bridge, looking at the reflection of a beautiful sky through the river. He falls in love with the sight, visiting often, eventually creating a world of castles and wilderbeasts using the clouds; he daydreams being up there, away from reality (known as The Monsters). Conflict begins [this is where the piano album begins] when it starts raining and there seems to be no end, resulting in a stream of grey each time the individual looks into the river, to which his character begins regressing. After a few weeks of manic depression (bipolar disorder), he comes to the inference that if he ‘jumps through the grey’ from the bridge, he can find that beautiful sky once more.16 Tempted to Live.jpg

“Dream Away Your Dreams”

New song from my new album “Tempted To Live”

Cover:

image

Lyrics:

Sometimes I can’t sleep
Knowing you’re in the same city
The same fraction of a dot as I
Sometimes I can’t think
Exactly what the monsters want from me
Sometimes I think I’m sticking out

I can’t help but draw
Foreign cities to escape the one I’m in
And all the made up names
I lay by the lake and dream
Of how i’ll live reality
Every possibility

Should I dress like a path?
You’d be willing to take?
Would you walk by me again?
Walk by me again
I’ll dream my dreams away
Or until you decide to stay

I can’t help but draw
Foreign cities to escape the one I’m in
And all the made up names
I lay by the lake and dream
Of how i’ll live reality
Every possibility

Would you join me
To the cemetery
Strike the black cat passing by
We might as well
Soon the hills will harness stones
Reaching up into the sky
And I cried
Through the darkness of the past
I felt it go so fast
I felt it go so fast

Cat, would you walk me by again?

Tragedy at the Circus [album 1 – 9/25/11]

I was waiting to reach the 2nd anniversary of having this album, but ehh..

This is the first album I made, throughout all of freshman year. It was a slow process, but I was finally able to record it nearly a full year after being in piano class. The teacher sucked; I taught myself and other friends and classmates, including seniors, which was cool. I’d have a lot of time to spare in piano class, so I spent most of it making these 13 songs. The title track was the first ever made, and took like 6 months. Some were derived from that song; They’re all mostly ordered by chronological order. It was hard recording, but worth it to me. I don’t listen to it often though. Try to enjoy it though. It’s a concept album, following a tragic number of circus acts, and the entire place burning down, killing everyone…

..yup..