Am I falling in love?

A question asks: Do you prefer being around men or women? Do your closest friends tend to be men or women?

I prefer to be with women. I have much stronger respect for them than men. I did not grow up connecting much with guys. I wasn’t into video games, which was the hot topic, or most talked about thing. As well as the sports and shows most guys I hung out with talked about. I couldn’t care about a specific basketball or baseball player, I couldn’t care about the new episode of those shows; though I will give them props for quoting characters of a show so accurately. I can’t do that no matter how hard I try, even now as I’ve watched The Office seven times through. Being around women has intrigued me more, though I didn’t care about the gossip enough; I loved listening though. Women struggles to me seem more difficult than a man’s. I’ve seen women treated as a lesser to a man than a woman treating a man as a lesser of her, from what I’ve learned and witnessed.

My closest friends up until l high school were always boys; at any given year there was up to two other boys I was best friends with. In high school I lost that kind of bond, spent a lot of time feeling out of place. It wasn’t until junior year that I grew a strong connection with, but it was with a girl this time, and in senior year she was my closest friend, though it wasn’t the same the other way around, so it can’t be said we were best friends. After high school, I’ve struggled to maintain a close friendship, though I do cherish more my friendships with women rather than men.

Another question asks: Do you establish routines in your life?

Yes; though these routines are always broken after a while. I know there definitely was a time I wasn’t being a moderate consumer and a binger of activities and whatnot, but because of the consequences of some of those things I’ve acquired a philosophy of moderation, of quality over quantity. I no longer buy the exact same cookies from the same place at the same time of day, as a petty example. When I travel downtown I always make sure I change my route between the same destinations. I’m much more open to taking new challenges, resetting my goals. I don’t want to be predictable, in both physical activities and state of mind. But I will try new routines in day-to-day life to see what could be a better method for myself, like setting up early alarms as I’ve recently done. Sometimes I try to force myself to use this blog once every week or so, but, ya know..

I love improvising though. I don’t want to have a set schedule in my life that I need to or feel the need to run by every so often. To me it’s always about how we’ll get from point A to point B, never using a previous method, and always making sure we get there before dark. I tend to just follow my feet, go wherever they wanna go.

And now some admission:

There’s a woman in my life who I’ve been gradually been falling for, and tonight I’ve realized the depth of it. I feel a little silly over it, and heartbroken. She has been in my life for at least five years, and I’ve always been into her to some degree, and always kept that from everyone. She’s shown me more and more interest in hanging out, and we’ve done what we can to this point. What is making me write this now was that tonight I remembered her, after having gone the whole day without thinking of her, and when I did I felt panicked! I just, wished I could be there to see her, hear her, again. I wished it was much more often. Her company makes me so incredibly happy. The panic was joined by shame; because who was I to have this feeling for her? We’ve barely been finally keeping in touch slightly more often and this intense rush of panic shows me how out-of-proportion my feelings are. I simply don’t believe she’s as into me, or will ever like me as much as I’ve liked her, for me to deserve her love. That’s what shamed me; the self-rejection. I want her to understand that I support her in her struggles to be a stronger mother, student, person. I don’t want to ruin my bond I have with her, therefore I am deeply conflicted when I consider wanting to be her boyfriend. I know it’s still to soon though; it would be a risk too big to take. So instead of showing her these feelings, I’ll keep them here, practically hidden.

a few questions

The questions goes: If there were a public execution on television, would you watch?

No. I would watch it after the broadcast, on a video platform (like YT).
Why would I watch it though? Because of how rare it occurrs in MY LIFE, that I get to witness an execution.
I’m okay with people watching an execution of myself on television, therefore I’d be willing to watch. If I wasn’t willing to be the person executed, I otherwise wouldn’t let it happen. I’m not sure this event will happen though.

Another question goes: You are given a chance to return to any previous point in your life and change a decision you made, but you will lose everything that has happened to you since then. Is there a time you would return to? If so, would you like to retain the memory of the life you are giving up even though you could never recapture it?

Yes. Just before senior year of high school. I would write myself a letter that would come to this previous moment with me, warning me what my big mistakes will be: not doing much as leader of an academy, not (ever) risking myself to let a girl know I had developed a crush on her, not working hard enough on my French projects (and by not enough, I mean at all), as well as not stopping to straighten my hair sooner. I’m not sure what else was at the forefront of ‘mistakes’ I knew I’d commit throughout the year, but those would be the more prominent, because I still think back to them. Gosh why did I straighten my hair so much. xP

Down to my core though, if I was presented with the button to press the button and go back, I doubt I’d end up pressing it. Those mishaps accurately define who I am today, they keep my track record consistent. Taking those decisions away takes away who I am fundamentally. Wanna hear it explained a third way? I am okay with what I am now, given everything I’ve done. To erase any part of myself, to me, is a full erase on myself. That third explanation sucked didn’t it? Did I at least answer the question.

And NO I won’t elaborate on those specific things I said I would let my past me know.

A third question was here, but it composed of several different questions, so I’ll continue it on another post.

-E

till god do his part

This article released recently explains the underrepresentation of atheists in America. It was a surprise at first but I’m understanding the reasoning mentioned in the article. I haven’t had a tough time with being an atheist in a religious family; it was a combination of my mother accepting me making a decision as an adult as well as how aggressively passive my parents were with me. Though I haven’t been too vocal about where I stand, I’ve made it clear what I thought whenever it was relevant. 

In high school I did not like the idea of picking a major that I had to stick to for the rest of my schooling that would be critical for my career and going to university straight off graduating. It was too heavy an option to make. And then I later learn that a lot of incoming freshmen come in undecided and that  declared majors are always being changed and how expensive it has been to take out loans and how much that alone hinders one’s ability as a homebuyer and what else. Not even knowing these things I told myself Nah I don’t even know myself. I don’t know what my values or priorities are or what I am capable of, so I won’t take that route, not yet without knowing myself.

Philosophy is the strongest tool there is to understanding oneself and the world. It should not be taken for granted the ability to discover one’s values on their own through carefully managing through the various methods of thought that major philosophers have been able to find. It’s too bad those classes are not a priority by the time highschool ends. At least not where I’m from.

For those who either did not want to think hard about their own purpose or did not yet have the mental framework to think with the depth needed to conclude a purpose for oneself (*cough school era kids/ ppl who don’t or won’t care enough) religion made sense! It is an easy guide to carry with you. All this morality layed out for you, now follow it! No sir, sorry sir, but I just am not happy following an outdated book or unscientificly based doctrine when I can instead try what the philosophers did and come to my own conclusions about this world. Find my place in this world, on my own. Make my own path. Sure it was more difficult to do but it feels worth it.

Of course I feel higher than a sheep of an outdated system that had precedent and dominated the generation they were born into. Maybe my ethics are not as great as theirs (note I have not written much yet about my ethics/morality; I will), but I love that I came to my beliefs on my own. I don’t need that system for comfort whenever I look into the sky and remember we are alone in this universe, as far as we know right now. Loneliness and uncertainty does not scare me. Death does not scare me. God does not scare me.

My arms extend to each person in the world. Let us celebrate the scared. Cheers! To the closeted atheists in America and the world! Your struggle is so much more than mine; You keep me looking up to the umiverse in awe and inspiration to fight, not waiting for God to do his part.

It’s been one year since therapy

It’s been one year since my first round of therapy ended.

Prior to the therapy I was consistently surrounded by suicidal resolves. I had lost myself. My art production was nill, except the poetry I would write once a month or so. Those poems became the lyrics to my keyboard album “Tempted to Live.” They were a stream of unedited thoughts, and the lyrics would get more personal and less rythmic, less polished, by the end.

It ended with the resolve to kill myself.

In reality though, I saw only two options going forward. Seek professional help, or end my life.

In therapy, I managed to speak of my traumas.. Topics I was convinced beforehand would never come out. I was able to understand how certain events and leading mindsets controlled the greater scheme of things for me (Notice I’m being general, because you’re not my therapist. I may get more in depth as I release music).

Leaving the therapy I no longer saw it an option to end my life. That’s all I needed, though I learned a great wealth of myself, and I’ll forever be eternally grateful to my therapist for being there to keep me company. The depression didn’t go away completely, it’s still a natural feeling. It simply does not lead me to that fatal resolve.

My childhood is one I wouldn’t wish on an enemy. The sadness that drained me each night, I hate to think how long any given person could sustain it. I deeply love every person I have ever met, those whom I remember, and those whom I forgive. Each individual is a whole universe I wish to travel through; but alas, if I were to focus on each person at a time I would not have a story to hold for myself. Don’t you dare let yourself believe you are alone, not as long as I’m at reach. I do not want to end my life, not without knowing how many stories there are out there I want to know about. Not as long as that beautiful cloudy sky exists. I want to feel the weight of everybody’s hurt. I can feel the weight of it when you’re happy.

To transition, I tend to express specific and related emotions through specific or related mediums of expression. For example, in general when I express love, happiness, tranquility, it will be through photography. My anger, stress, sexual innuendo, will be expressed through my black and white checkered drawings and paintings.

My fears, depressions, weaknesses, will be expressed through music. This natural method of expression answers why my music tends to be of deep, intense themes such as loneliness, romantic loss, anti-religion, death, and suicide (To reword, I never focus on these themes when working on things other than music).

Through therapy I realised this.

My next musical project, titled There Goes Everybody, focuses on losing friends and family to circumstance, but more prominently, to death, as well as losing focus on the ‘greater scheme of things,’ taking advantage of relationships, and feeling taken advantage of, useless, alone. I have reset the project twice now, opting to make several releases over time rather than all at once as an album. This will slowly roll out, but hopefully it all is released by August. Projected setlist is constantly changing, so I can’t share it. Track one though is deadset: 

01. Till Death Do Its Part

-E

Write Me Off (The Difference)

[11/26/16]

I feel the numbness carry in
An uninvited guest within
Beating slower and slower
I become the mannequin

Floating to the river bed
The sheets become my closest friends
I pick the warmest one
To join me to the end

I feel dumb
Going numb
Am I really improving
Or am I getting used to it

Did you make it to the scene
Where the dragons in between
All the mountains how they lean
Towards the sun and the unseen

My eyes drain inside
My tendency to hide
In the shaded areas
Where we met

My feet taken down
By the weight of the world
I wanna give up
Knowing it’ll still swirl

And I lay
This is where I wanna stay
As the day
Reminds me of a warmer way

Without the sheets

He’s gasping
He’s gasping

That can’t be my reflection
It’s just another victim
Of a battered abused system
Leading him to my direction

I can feel the beating
He still carries his soul
Pulls out the notes and the pen
Will he write me off

Or will he make the mistake

The beating slows within
Has he improved
Has he gotten used to it

Be the difference
The better statistic

He sits on the edge
I lay on the river bed
He stares down the bridge
Wonders how the end

He’s crying
He’s crying
He’s crying
I’m crying

We feed the river
The difference

The sky brightens up
I can’t hide anymore
I can’t die knowing
There is more

With you in the sky

An uninvited guest within
I become the mannequin

a year since “Nohemi”

It’s been a year since the terrorist attack in Paris. The one American life lost in that event was Nohemi Gonzalez, CSULB student from El Monte, my hometown. It shocked me, opened my eyes a little more to the numbness from the terror around us. That event also inspired me to immediately record this track. It was the first track I recorded for the album “Tempted to Live,” which was about loneliness and losing loved ones. I put it as the final track to remember, after each time I listened to the album, why the album even exists. It reminds me how insignificant my pain was in comparison to what Nohemi and her family had experienced.

The weight of the world gets heavier each day, and you survive the weight by becoming stronger than you were the day before.

satisfactions

The question asks: If 100 people your age were chosen at random, how many do you think you’d find leading a more satisfying life than yours?

I might believe fewer than half. Let’s say I’d find at most 44 people more satisfied than myself. I feel that coping with loneliness will be a pretty large factor in others’ answers, and I don’t believe the majority of these 100 random people would have mastered the skill of being alone. I think I have, though. I always see a hint of loneliness through the things my friends say on social media. Sometimes it’s the core of their problems.. I spend most of my time alone, at least three days a week traveling completely alone on busses, trains, through LA County. I go to parks and museums with my camera and search for other signs of loneliness in the world, but do not find it. We are all vastly connected, instantly reachable. I understand that the older we get, the less time we have to spend with people we met in the past who we’d like to be with for a bit longer. Communication is key; every few months or years I send short messages to people I don’t see on a regular basis because I still want that friendship to exist. A friend to me is anyone who, as of the last time we had met or contacted, I had a positive connection with; Everyone else is a potential friend. So if anyone ever has the (unlikely) existential crisis of “omg does Elmo even care about me anymore?!” just think of how the last time we met went. The answer might be so clear, it is unclear.

Money seems to be another issue. I don’t find money as a problem for myself, but I recognize I wouldn’t be able to survive/ sustain living alone or being in a relationship with the job I currently have. In fact, I can’t make friends in job because people leave very quickly, which further reinforces the loneliness in my life. It’s not that good a job; but why should I get myself one any better than this at my age? Also, The largest portions of money that I spend is on marathons or half-marathons. Clothing is my next largest investment, though I only buy plain t-shirts and running/ comfy stuffs. And even then I only spend on these things like at least every 5 months or more. So having even the slightest positive flow of moneys each month keeps me highly satisfied. I don’t think half of the random people would be okay with the basics of life as I have, in the context of moneys and loneliness. Because they want greater things in life, because maybe they’re falling behind in their dreams, because their time in the world is never certain, I dunnooo really, I’m not a fan of having to speak for 99 random people my age..  I don’t think students being given large sums of moneys from the govt will be dealing with the money issue though. I live with what I got, and it’s barely enough. Doing things in the name of money, other than for basic necessities, to me is unhealthy. I have a feeling most people would disagree.

So using these two examples, I know it’s not a perfect way to live, but hey, at least my life leads me to believe I’m having it better than 56 of 100 random people my age. xP