Meaning

We ended up spending three more days at Yosemite. I didn’t enjoy the second half as much though because we didn’t have much planned as compared to the first half.

Some pictures from Yosemite taken on my camera before it died:

IMG_0776IMG_0836IMG_0843

Crossing the river through this tree was a little riskier than last time, given how the water was running up to the bottom of the trunk; last time the stream was calmer and not touching the trunk. The water isn’t deep though, maybe up to my waist, though ya know, depth perception..IMG_0775I don’t have many more to show, so I’ll hold on to them like I’ve held on to so many other pictures. Now I have three batteries and two chargers. I will try adding more pictures to these posts. Let’s say at least 5. Of course all being pictures I’ve taken.


Questions:

I’m moving way from the Book of Questions in favor of a different list of questions. These questions are less trivial, more philosophical. I’ll still put trivial questions on, and those will come from me, just to satisfy my own ego.. :F

A simple question asks: What is the meaning of life?

Life is what you make of it. All the things you do, experience, refine who you are. Note: Not Define – defining yourself puts you in a corner you’re expected to live by (The expectations coming from others and yourself). You don’t need to have a definition the way words do. That’s what separates you from just a word. The more you experience things, the harder it will be for you to be defined. Call yourself a lump of clay. Let yourself be picked up, let yourself be dropped. Picked up again. Punched into, sat on the shelf, kicked, caressed, lifted into the sky, forgotten and remembered, hated and loved. Do the same to the rest. The more the clay gets handled the more refined it becomes. Life doesn’t have to look like a perfect sphere, it can be just a lump of clay. Of course we want more though.

Some though will search for meaning, like if it’s something not inherent, something you gotta work to achieve, rather than the work itself. The pursuit of happiness is the same. We search for things that might make us happier; things that can be taken away from us. Babies don’t need much, or anything really, to be happy. Maybe they know that’s up…

Some will look to religion for help in meaning. Organised religion will claim to have the right answers and guidance for finding the worth in life. It will always go too far though. To me going too far would be a disregard for science or logic, an obligation to pay materials, or indoctrination of young. I wanted to find meaning on my own, so I rejected faiths, I rejected gods. Even if I came up with similar ethics like the golden rule of respect, at least I was able to come to it on my own using logic, not writing it down on paper over and over again.. that’s what it felt like before.

Meaning in life is not easy, it shouldn’t be. It should be a constant struggle to become more of who we are right now, to be more of who we were yesterday. We get there by having new experiences, of any kind, of any weight. The world is going and going and it it gets heavier, or it feels heavier, once we start slacking off, once we feel the pressure and it takes its toll on us. Losing something precious can challenge our meaning, and more our perspective. The world will suddenly get heavier. The world will seemingly slow down, but it never does. We’re simply falling behind. And that’s okay. Because we get to struggle, and then we keep up.

Reminds me of these messages I found a couple years ago:

I’m not sure where I’m going with this anymore. It would have been nice to work on this during the day and not the middle of the night. But I found out yesterday that I’m both a morning and night person now. I take naps throughout the day if I can, and I usually can.

You don’t give up on yourself, EVER. You find self-rules to live by an guide you to the next step, even if it all just for that literal next step. As long as what you do is doing right by the social contract, I’ll be fine with what you become. Okay future me?

We are judged by our actions. Others will judge us, help us find ourselves through their perspectives. You can say you’re a nice person all you want, but that takes away time being a nice person. If others call you a nice person, then there’s no need take time analyzing yourself.. unless you don’t wanna be a nice person, by which I’d say you’re breaking the social contract and being in the wrong. Because if someone were to call me a jerk, then I’d need time to analyze what I’ve done to get me there. And hopefully I can find a way to correct that wrong. This world doesn’t need more jerks. Being a jerk violates my standard of keeping the social contract healthy. And the point is to live in a way that maintains or can further benefit society.

Another question asks: Can food be art?

Gut reaction: Hell no! Food’s purpose in the world is to be eaten! How about make food in a way that I’m not distracted and hesitant to eat it just because of its beauty..

Yeah. Food can be art. Some food takes forever to make, and I value effort in art. So if that food can make its mark in my mouth, who am I to say it wasn’t art. Art is perceived. Food is perceived. Food can be art. Not brand cereal, because of the effort it takes to prepare. But if I were to pick a beautiful ripe posque off a posque tree (posque is my made up fruit/vegetable), and it looked so good, and tasted so good, then I guess it can be art. It takes time for these edibles to grow, and care from mother nature.

The last question asks: One million dollars you can only spend on yourself, GO..

Pianos. Upright pianos, grand pianos, not so grand pianos, and another piano

Oh yeah that reminds of a song I recorded a while back. I was bored and stressed that I hadn’t recorded anything yet at that point, so I worked this song and recorded it and it took the whole day. It’s supposed to be a response to entitled individualism, but it’s really just me poking fun at life. This is is how i have funnnn.

I thought it was already online, but it wasn’t, so I reuploaded it.

Here is the song: “They’re All Crazy”

Here are the lyrics:

For differences in views
I don’t wanna meet you
I just wanna choose
According to my own news
There goes everyone I met
They’re all crazy
It’s not the other way around
That’s just lazy

But get away from me
Or I’ll just look, so much dumb
Please go away
I don’t want to be upset

I could have spoken sooner
I didn’t wanna ruin her
She’s walking through the walls
The pretty one inside my mind
The animals we slaughter
To mainting our guts
Things don’t seem to matter
Until they happen to us

Stay away from me
Or I won’t stop, you don’t want that
Please go away
I don’t want to be upset


Effort, as in, apparent effort. Break a sweat getting things done. Have emotion in your reactions to others’ hard work, or in how you describe the work you went through. If it didn’t look like I went through hell and back to make an epic food art, a painting, or piano song, then it ain’t worth the praise it can get on display.

posque (pronounced posk, o as in Oh), as I can see it, is a fruit-vegetable that can be picked from trees. It ranges in size, from that of an apple to that of a mango. It has a skin thickness like that of a banana, so no as rough as an orange. BUT, as soon as you try to peel it (oh yeah it has a wobbly form, like that of another posque), the posque can spill out quickly. The insides of a posque is liquid form. No kind of soft body like a banana or slices like an orange.. it’s just liquid. The good part is it doesn’t stain, magically.

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My Ex Epilogue, an imaginary band

From the years 2009 and 2014, ages 13-18, I wrote lyrics for songs that only existed in my head (and of course the pages I wrote the lyrics on). I would read the lyrics and the entire set of an alternative rock band would play in my head. I bunched the lyrics into albums to keep them in order, for a total of 54 albums varying from 10 to 18 tracks each. It was an imaginary band called My Ex Epilogue. Most of the lyrics were written in middle and high school during class. bored or attentive, a great deal of where my mind was on were the sheets of lyrics I hid under my book or in the second half of each notebook.

Here’s part of an excel sheet with all the details I was able to keep before the writing was too much ahead of this:

mxp-1

The bold colors to the far left represent the general shift in tone and theme, going from general gory themes to concept albums about world catastrophes to a zombie theme to anti- government from punk sounds to arena rock to pop rock. I took inspiration from My Chemical Romance, The Used, Marilyn Manson, The Strokes, Matchbook Romance, Of Montreal, to name a few..

Then the blue albums and EP titles as well, with the total number of tracks I wrote for the project, then the times the album would be written and then finalized (printed!). the orange titles are individual tracks that stand out the most.

Here’s another glimpse of the data I have,mxp-3

The blue is official album length, green the “B-Sides,” songs that didn’t fit well in the album but stayed as part of the project as a whole. Light blue are EPs, transitional songs or a mix of things that couldn’t fit as an album. orange is lost lyrics. There’s about twice as many lost lyrics I didn’t include. So my total comes to 734 album tracks and 1045 total lyrics written in the six years.

After 2014, I have written ZERO lyrics for this imaginary band My Ex Epilogue, though I still use the title My Ex Epilogue as my artist name when publishing my keyboard/piano albums on SoundCloud.

The 55th album-to-be, My Escape, ended up being a long poetry project of poems ranging from half a page to 6 pages long. This project became the foundation for my 16th keyboard/vocal album, “Tempted To Live,” since virtually all the lyrics come from there.

It became increasingly difficult to write my lyrics in college. I couldn’t afford to divide my attention, and there wasn’t a different setting I felt comfortable writing in.

And thus, was My Ex Epilogue, the project of 1000+ lyrics. I don’t plan on publishing the lyrics, or at least 98% of them, I won’t. x) They’re not that great.

Here’s a list of all the albums in order:

2009

1 Witness Trial 4-Jan
2 Through Betrayal and Blames 15-Mar
3 War Of Assholes 4-May
4 Burn Your Eyes 5-Jul
5 Bastards In Hell 18-Jul
6 Robot Acadamy 1-Aug
7 Orders From The Captain 30-Sep
8 Bullets For My Birthday 25-Oct
9 The Ceremony Isn’t Over Until I Cry 25-Nov

2010

10 World War 4-Jan
11 Where We Will Evenly Burn 14-Feb
12 Innocent Hands With Stains Of Blood 12-Mar
13 The Lights Are Out Again 2-Apr
14 Provoked! 16-Apr
15 SINCAMP 7-May
16 Egos Forever 3-Sep
17 Sanative Master 10-Sep
18 Never Let Go 19-Nov


2011

19 The Dead Parade! 7-Jan
20 The End of the World 11-Mar
21 Maybe It’s Just Love 13-May
22 Disenchant Me 17-Jun
23 Rotten World 15-Jul
24 SIINCAMP 5-Aug
25 Bunnies and Shovels 18-Aug
26 Kill All The Sinners 23-Aug
27 The Stars Under the Sea 10-Sep
28 Easy For Suicide 16-Sep
29 Burning Down the Ghost Town 7-Oct
30 Killer In Me 11-Nov
31 Consequences of the Loveblind 18-Nov
32 Blow Up the Sun! 12-Dec
33 Rapture For My Heart 16-Dec

2012

34 Never Surrender 13-Jan
35 EXPLODE 20-Feb
36 Revenga!! 29-Feb
37 You Never Live Twice 16-Mar
38 Something To Live For 9-Apr
39 Something To Die For 14-May
40 Cxxxx Mxxxx Pxxxx 11-Jun
41 Survive 5-Jul
42 Moderne. Dangereux. 29-Aug
43 Underground Love 14-Sep
44 Raise Your Voice 5-Oct

2013

45 Apocalypse of Love 7-Jan
46 Scattered Light 5-Jul
47 Fall of Heterika 13-Sep
48 Minus the People, Versus the World 31-Oct
49 Vices or Virtues 18-Nov
50 Hiraeth 25-Dec

2014

51 They Will Try Erasing Us 12-Feb
52 Better Days 10-Mar
53 One Last Good Look 20-Apr
54 Modern Cassette 7-Jun

55- “My Escape” (roughly Nov 2014) becomes “Tempted to Live” one year later, November 4th 2015:

Write Me Off (The Difference)

[11/26/16]

I feel the numbness carry in
An uninvited guest within
Beating slower and slower
I become the mannequin

Floating to the river bed
The sheets become my closest friends
I pick the warmest one
To join me to the end

I feel dumb
Going numb
Am I really improving
Or am I getting used to it

Did you make it to the scene
Where the dragons in between
All the mountains how they lean
Towards the sun and the unseen

My eyes drain inside
My tendency to hide
In the shaded areas
Where we met

My feet taken down
By the weight of the world
I wanna give up
Knowing it’ll still swirl

And I lay
This is where I wanna stay
As the day
Reminds me of a warmer way

Without the sheets

He’s gasping
He’s gasping

That can’t be my reflection
It’s just another victim
Of a battered abused system
Leading him to my direction

I can feel the beating
He still carries his soul
Pulls out the notes and the pen
Will he write me off

Or will he make the mistake

The beating slows within
Has he improved
Has he gotten used to it

Be the difference
The better statistic

He sits on the edge
I lay on the river bed
He stares down the bridge
Wonders how the end

He’s crying
He’s crying
He’s crying
I’m crying

We feed the river
The difference

The sky brightens up
I can’t hide anymore
I can’t die knowing
There is more

With you in the sky

An uninvited guest within
I become the mannequin

“Dream Away Your Dreams”

New song from my new album “Tempted To Live”

Cover:

image

Lyrics:

Sometimes I can’t sleep
Knowing you’re in the same city
The same fraction of a dot as I
Sometimes I can’t think
Exactly what the monsters want from me
Sometimes I think I’m sticking out

I can’t help but draw
Foreign cities to escape the one I’m in
And all the made up names
I lay by the lake and dream
Of how i’ll live reality
Every possibility

Should I dress like a path?
You’d be willing to take?
Would you walk by me again?
Walk by me again
I’ll dream my dreams away
Or until you decide to stay

I can’t help but draw
Foreign cities to escape the one I’m in
And all the made up names
I lay by the lake and dream
Of how i’ll live reality
Every possibility

Would you join me
To the cemetery
Strike the black cat passing by
We might as well
Soon the hills will harness stones
Reaching up into the sky
And I cried
Through the darkness of the past
I felt it go so fast
I felt it go so fast

Cat, would you walk me by again?