Am I falling in love?

A question asks: Do you prefer being around men or women? Do your closest friends tend to be men or women?

I prefer to be with women. I have much stronger respect for them than men. I did not grow up connecting much with guys. I wasn’t into video games, which was the hot topic, or most talked about thing. As well as the sports and shows most guys I hung out with talked about. I couldn’t care about a specific basketball or baseball player, I couldn’t care about the new episode of those shows; though I will give them props for quoting characters of a show so accurately. I can’t do that no matter how hard I try, even now as I’ve watched The Office seven times through. Being around women has intrigued me more, though I didn’t care about the gossip enough; I loved listening though. Women struggles to me seem more difficult than a man’s. I’ve seen women treated as a lesser to a man than a woman treating a man as a lesser of her, from what I’ve learned and witnessed.

My closest friends up until l high school were always boys; at any given year there was up to two other boys I was best friends with. In high school I lost that kind of bond, spent a lot of time feeling out of place. It wasn’t until junior year that I grew a strong connection with, but it was with a girl this time, and in senior year she was my closest friend, though it wasn’t the same the other way around, so it can’t be said we were best friends. After high school, I’ve struggled to maintain a close friendship, though I do cherish more my friendships with women rather than men.

Another question asks: Do you establish routines in your life?

Yes; though these routines are always broken after a while. I know there definitely was a time I wasn’t being a moderate consumer and a binger of activities and whatnot, but because of the consequences of some of those things I’ve acquired a philosophy of moderation, of quality over quantity. I no longer buy the exact same cookies from the same place at the same time of day, as a petty example. When I travel downtown I always make sure I change my route between the same destinations. I’m much more open to taking new challenges, resetting my goals. I don’t want to be predictable, in both physical activities and state of mind. But I will try new routines in day-to-day life to see what could be a better method for myself, like setting up early alarms as I’ve recently done. Sometimes I try to force myself to use this blog once every week or so, but, ya know..

I love improvising though. I don’t want to have a set schedule in my life that I need to or feel the need to run by every so often. To me it’s always about how we’ll get from point A to point B, never using a previous method, and always making sure we get there before dark. I tend to just follow my feet, go wherever they wanna go.

And now some admission:

There’s a woman in my life who I’ve been gradually been falling for, and tonight I’ve realized the depth of it. I feel a little silly over it, and heartbroken. She has been in my life for at least five years, and I’ve always been into her to some degree, and always kept that from everyone. She’s shown me more and more interest in hanging out, and we’ve done what we can to this point. What is making me write this now was that tonight I remembered her, after having gone the whole day without thinking of her, and when I did I felt panicked! I just, wished I could be there to see her, hear her, again. I wished it was much more often. Her company makes me so incredibly happy. The panic was joined by shame; because who was I to have this feeling for her? We’ve barely been finally keeping in touch slightly more often and this intense rush of panic shows me how out-of-proportion my feelings are. I simply don’t believe she’s as into me, or will ever like me as much as I’ve liked her, for me to deserve her love. That’s what shamed me; the self-rejection. I want her to understand that I support her in her struggles to be a stronger mother, student, person. I don’t want to ruin my bond I have with her, therefore I am deeply conflicted when I consider wanting to be her boyfriend. I know it’s still to soon though; it would be a risk too big to take. So instead of showing her these feelings, I’ll keep them here, practically hidden.

Graduation; depression

Yesterday I graduated from Rio Hondo College. AAs in Political Science and Philosophy. I’m two classes away from a third AA in History, which I’ll be taking this summer. Because why not?…

I’m en route to go to Sacramento State. I’ll be majoring in Government with a minor in Philosophy. But that’s not until three months from now. It’s only been one day and I feel the weight of having nothing to do. It’s depressing me.

I have almost two weeks off from work as well; that might be contributing to this uselessness.

Also I have reset my work on my keyboard album. I’ll reduce the album to an EP; I plan to work several short EPs for the time being.. I have the title “The Children’s Escape” constantly running through my head, so I’ll use that as the tentative project title.

Here’s the cover of the eventual EP There Goes Everybody.

I’ll get to work on the keyboard during these next weeks, to have something to work on.

till god do his part

This article released recently explains the underrepresentation of atheists in America. It was a surprise at first but I’m understanding the reasoning mentioned in the article. I haven’t had a tough time with being an atheist in a religious family; it was a combination of my mother accepting me making a decision as an adult as well as how aggressively passive my parents were with me. Though I haven’t been too vocal about where I stand, I’ve made it clear what I thought whenever it was relevant. 

In high school I did not like the idea of picking a major that I had to stick to for the rest of my schooling that would be critical for my career and going to university straight off graduating. It was too heavy an option to make. And then I later learn that a lot of incoming freshmen come in undecided and that  declared majors are always being changed and how expensive it has been to take out loans and how much that alone hinders one’s ability as a homebuyer and what else. Not even knowing these things I told myself Nah I don’t even know myself. I don’t know what my values or priorities are or what I am capable of, so I won’t take that route, not yet without knowing myself.

Philosophy is the strongest tool there is to understanding oneself and the world. It should not be taken for granted the ability to discover one’s values on their own through carefully managing through the various methods of thought that major philosophers have been able to find. It’s too bad those classes are not a priority by the time highschool ends. At least not where I’m from.

For those who either did not want to think hard about their own purpose or did not yet have the mental framework to think with the depth needed to conclude a purpose for oneself (*cough school era kids/ ppl who don’t or won’t care enough) religion made sense! It is an easy guide to carry with you. All this morality layed out for you, now follow it! No sir, sorry sir, but I just am not happy following an outdated book or unscientificly based doctrine when I can instead try what the philosophers did and come to my own conclusions about this world. Find my place in this world, on my own. Make my own path. Sure it was more difficult to do but it feels worth it.

Of course I feel higher than a sheep of an outdated system that had precedent and dominated the generation they were born into. Maybe my ethics are not as great as theirs (note I have not written much yet about my ethics/morality; I will), but I love that I came to my beliefs on my own. I don’t need that system for comfort whenever I look into the sky and remember we are alone in this universe, as far as we know right now. Loneliness and uncertainty does not scare me. Death does not scare me. God does not scare me.

My arms extend to each person in the world. Let us celebrate the scared. Cheers! To the closeted atheists in America and the world! Your struggle is so much more than mine; You keep me looking up to the umiverse in awe and inspiration to fight, not waiting for God to do his part.

It’s been one year since therapy

It’s been one year since my first round of therapy ended.

Prior to the therapy I was consistently surrounded by suicidal resolves. I had lost myself. My art production was nill, except the poetry I would write once a month or so. Those poems became the lyrics to my keyboard album “Tempted to Live.” They were a stream of unedited thoughts, and the lyrics would get more personal and less rythmic, less polished, by the end.

It ended with the resolve to kill myself.

In reality though, I saw only two options going forward. Seek professional help, or end my life.

In therapy, I managed to speak of my traumas.. Topics I was convinced beforehand would never come out. I was able to understand how certain events and leading mindsets controlled the greater scheme of things for me (Notice I’m being general, because you’re not my therapist. I may get more in depth as I release music).

Leaving the therapy I no longer saw it an option to end my life. That’s all I needed, though I learned a great wealth of myself, and I’ll forever be eternally grateful to my therapist for being there to keep me company. The depression didn’t go away completely, it’s still a natural feeling. It simply does not lead me to that fatal resolve.

My childhood is one I wouldn’t wish on an enemy. The sadness that drained me each night, I hate to think how long any given person could sustain it. I deeply love every person I have ever met, those whom I remember, and those whom I forgive. Each individual is a whole universe I wish to travel through; but alas, if I were to focus on each person at a time I would not have a story to hold for myself. Don’t you dare let yourself believe you are alone, not as long as I’m at reach. I do not want to end my life, not without knowing how many stories there are out there I want to know about. Not as long as that beautiful cloudy sky exists. I want to feel the weight of everybody’s hurt. I can feel the weight of it when you’re happy.

To transition, I tend to express specific and related emotions through specific or related mediums of expression. For example, in general when I express love, happiness, tranquility, it will be through photography. My anger, stress, sexual innuendo, will be expressed through my black and white checkered drawings and paintings.

My fears, depressions, weaknesses, will be expressed through music. This natural method of expression answers why my music tends to be of deep, intense themes such as loneliness, romantic loss, anti-religion, death, and suicide (To reword, I never focus on these themes when working on things other than music).

Through therapy I realised this.

My next musical project, titled There Goes Everybody, focuses on losing friends and family to circumstance, but more prominently, to death, as well as losing focus on the ‘greater scheme of things,’ taking advantage of relationships, and feeling taken advantage of, useless, alone. I have reset the project twice now, opting to make several releases over time rather than all at once as an album. This will slowly roll out, but hopefully it all is released by August. Projected setlist is constantly changing, so I can’t share it. Track one though is deadset: 

01. Till Death Do Its Part

-E

satisfactions

The question asks: If 100 people your age were chosen at random, how many do you think you’d find leading a more satisfying life than yours?

I might believe fewer than half. Let’s say I’d find at most 44 people more satisfied than myself. I feel that coping with loneliness will be a pretty large factor in others’ answers, and I don’t believe the majority of these 100 random people would have mastered the skill of being alone. I think I have, though. I always see a hint of loneliness through the things my friends say on social media. Sometimes it’s the core of their problems.. I spend most of my time alone, at least three days a week traveling completely alone on busses, trains, through LA County. I go to parks and museums with my camera and search for other signs of loneliness in the world, but do not find it. We are all vastly connected, instantly reachable. I understand that the older we get, the less time we have to spend with people we met in the past who we’d like to be with for a bit longer. Communication is key; every few months or years I send short messages to people I don’t see on a regular basis because I still want that friendship to exist. A friend to me is anyone who, as of the last time we had met or contacted, I had a positive connection with; Everyone else is a potential friend. So if anyone ever has the (unlikely) existential crisis of “omg does Elmo even care about me anymore?!” just think of how the last time we met went. The answer might be so clear, it is unclear.

Money seems to be another issue. I don’t find money as a problem for myself, but I recognize I wouldn’t be able to survive/ sustain living alone or being in a relationship with the job I currently have. In fact, I can’t make friends in job because people leave very quickly, which further reinforces the loneliness in my life. It’s not that good a job; but why should I get myself one any better than this at my age? Also, The largest portions of money that I spend is on marathons or half-marathons. Clothing is my next largest investment, though I only buy plain t-shirts and running/ comfy stuffs. And even then I only spend on these things like at least every 5 months or more. So having even the slightest positive flow of moneys each month keeps me highly satisfied. I don’t think half of the random people would be okay with the basics of life as I have, in the context of moneys and loneliness. Because they want greater things in life, because maybe they’re falling behind in their dreams, because their time in the world is never certain, I dunnooo really, I’m not a fan of having to speak for 99 random people my age..  I don’t think students being given large sums of moneys from the govt will be dealing with the money issue though. I live with what I got, and it’s barely enough. Doing things in the name of money, other than for basic necessities, to me is unhealthy. I have a feeling most people would disagree.

So using these two examples, I know it’s not a perfect way to live, but hey, at least my life leads me to believe I’m having it better than 56 of 100 random people my age. xP

post election thoughts

{originally posted on Facebook}

Sorry for this long post; I had to sleep on these thoughts before venting again. I might get too emotional by the end but I always do that. If you find a mistake on the spelling/grammar/word use, fourgive me four eye am hueman…

I planned to be away from Facebook (and Instagram) for a couple months, given how intoxicated it made me feel to scroll down the bottomless feed, and although Twitter is too limiting for me with 140 characters, I tend to go on only during elections as I did last night. I noticed a lot of friends feeling appalled, anxious, mournful by the election results… some thinking about the communities that had worked so much for so long for their chances at liberty, only to have it all fall short given what we’ve heard from the president-elect during the campaign. I watched the whole campaign in detail, from the first candidates tossing themselves in the ring, to the final match that not even the previous night’s statistics had predicted correctly. I fell in love with the primaries, each debate, the late night shots on the candidates. It inspired me more to search a way to help as many people as I could in the few decades I have left.

I learned from what I saw and read about this crappy political atmosphere we’re in, that it’s cyclical. Given our top choices we are set to hit rock bottom in society all over again. Terrible presidents preceded the Great Depression, and it took a New Deal to fix as much of it up as we could, where the focus was now on the people. They were thigh-deep in the crap back then, and they shoveled most of it away up until the 80s. The 90s is where the progressive movements seemed for sure at a halt to me; it was the top, the new decline set to begin, the period of time where the government would forget about its people and focus on the money. The crap slowly piling up. If Clinton were to be elected, we’d have at least four more years before a worse president with the same message as Trump and not as terrible of a character would be bound to take the White House. And then four years of that.

I took a guess that it would be about three presidents from now when we’d again be thigh-deep in the crap, and it would all have to reset again. We’ll hit rock bottom. But now with Trump, I notice that his presidency could accelerate the piling of crap onto us. We’re gonna hit rock bottom faster, either with him or the next. I tend to find it difficult to not see the good in things, so I concluded that, sure we might hit rock bottom faster now, but the good thing about being at the bottom is that from there you can only go up. We can only progress. And it’ll require intense struggle. We can shovel it and focus on the people, then eventually find justice for the unjust. Otherwise the system would be “rigged.”

I noticed a lot of people completely dumbfounded that so many would vote for Trump. I thought about our broken education system, ruled by corporatists that look for the money, not the improvements for us. Too many years have gone and we still have to bubble in our way into sheeplings. It is designed in such a way that we could more easily blame the teachers or its students instead of the corporations and governments responsible. Very few might find a way to beat ‘this system,’ but without money there is little hope in this world. Realizing our education system needs reform is the first step; I have no answer as to how this can be fixed.

I noticed many people declaring this American life wasn’t worth living now, that it’s okay to give up on trying to be more than what you are, that we can’t fix this. Again, once we’re in rock bottom we’ll only be able to look up. Trump might pull out a Trump and fix something. Trump might also knock down our hopes and raise the hurdles (He’ll have Congress and the Supreme Court on his side). The struggle will be heavier to carry than before, but it might raise a good amount of progressive leaders out of us. We just have to get back up the mountain, climb. Fight. Challenge THEM. Give up? If it was okay to let this kind of crap take us down, this nation wouldn’t be here. Because those progressive leaders did rise up after the Depression.

Don’t feel useless. These struggles do not take individuals. It usually takes millions. A TEAM. Have you not learned this yet from watching sports, from The Walking Dead? xP Those one shot heroes only exist in film, in comics. And even there it might not always be one person. You’re not alone. I’m good at being lonely and as I am I still never feel alone. Because I look up and can’t help but notice that I have something in common with the clouds. We’re temporary. So is money.

We aren’t given much time on this planet, not enough to spend it hating, holding grudges and prejudices. Those moments are never the best of us. We can’t sit around hoping for the best in them to save us from the darkness inside. We each all our pain to bask in, our struggles. To give up is to not struggle. On the individual level, we can still love. We can still make sure our future choices are not as poisonous. That’s all I’d recommend.

I always come around to my senior quote. :F Given by the former slave Frederick Douglass: “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.”
Trump might have Washington but he won’t have the progressive movements.

I won’t wait for a better world, I want to keep making sure I’ve earned it. We deserve the love that will come to us in the future if we deserved the hate that has come upon us.

deservance

There is not enough time in this world to hold grudges. They hold us back, longing to rectify a moment long gone. They remove us from the present moment, leaving an impression on the world we would not want the younger ones to follow. They incite a future that does not focus on wellness, love. Because we want deservance. We want due process.

But who taught us life in this world would be fair?
Who taught us that a given individual would get what they deserve?
Was it the stories of heroes who would somehow find an end to the evildoer gone mad?
These stories were most of them one-sided, weren’t they?
Was is the saturated school system, designed as an ends and not a means? as archaic as the political machine that tends to reward only those seeking objective wealth?
But it never ceases, does it? It stays one-sided.
Instead of evolving it, we get cellphone version 7. We get model 2017. We get the new update. But do we walk into a classroom and tell ourselves “this is how it is because we are at the end of the progression wheel.” A wheel with a monkey wrench in it.
Is it that power is too consuming? The political machine finds a way to bleed the hopeful of their priorities in favor of, again, wealth, the lust for more power. Oiling the gears.
And it never ceases, does it?
Is it the ‘natural tendency’ of selfishness we all have. Driven not by gaining something, anything, instead by fear of losing something, everything. What ever was promised to us, whether we had it or not, is not something we are willing to wait for. Because what are we waiting for?

We lose our patience.
We want to point our fingers.

And we thrust our blame at the ‘evildoers’
We thrust it to the entertainers, to our educators, to the politicians, to the doctors, and the police. To like individuals.

Because we were not taught to change what we are led to believe is the ‘way of life.’ And this way of life keeps us unmatched to the machine. It stays beyond our reach. But we did reach the moon.

And maybe we don’t like change. Maybe the comfort zone we lead ourselves into is innate, in us and in society. Is it right to stay inside this comfort zone? In the noises and scenery we don’t need to second guess; we have no will.

Do we simply forget where we are in the grand picture? In this world, we seem alone; some die convinced. Some kill themselves. Some thrive by luck. Some are born hungry, sick, die hungry, sick. Some pay to live longer. Some play the system; some fight it. So far, death is still one of the few things we share. We share it with the greats of history, and we’ll share it with the greats of tomorrow. We also share the earth we stand in. The only place we can call home. A place some of us neglect. We search for more. We want more. Because what we have isn’t enough. Because we want deservance. We want due process.

From what, death?

The only worthy grudge worth holding is with those keeping us from changing, evolving, improving, what we have. Caring for what we have and want, that others might benefit from. Having a life worth living for in this world. Keeping our little project afloat doesn’t survive staying still; the wave will engulf it. We gotta do our part. Even if there already is a hole in the ship. Let it all sink. Let it not all sink without us making our time on it worth it. It’ll hurt. It’ll take some of us down before we can feel achieved. We all share this reality, and we might carry this reality alone. There is not enough time in this world to hold grudges.

If love is worth the loneliness, let’s be lonely together.