Am I falling in love?

A question asks: Do you prefer being around men or women? Do your closest friends tend to be men or women?

I prefer to be with women. I have much stronger respect for them than men. I did not grow up connecting much with guys. I wasn’t into video games, which was the hot topic, or most talked about thing. As well as the sports and shows most guys I hung out with talked about. I couldn’t care about a specific basketball or baseball player, I couldn’t care about the new episode of those shows; though I will give them props for quoting characters of a show so accurately. I can’t do that no matter how hard I try, even now as I’ve watched The Office seven times through. Being around women has intrigued me more, though I didn’t care about the gossip enough; I loved listening though. Women struggles to me seem more difficult than a man’s. I’ve seen women treated as a lesser to a man than a woman treating a man as a lesser of her, from what I’ve learned and witnessed.

My closest friends up until l high school were always boys; at any given year there was up to two other boys I was best friends with. In high school I lost that kind of bond, spent a lot of time feeling out of place. It wasn’t until junior year that I grew a strong connection with, but it was with a girl this time, and in senior year she was my closest friend, though it wasn’t the same the other way around, so it can’t be said we were best friends. After high school, I’ve struggled to maintain a close friendship, though I do cherish more my friendships with women rather than men.

Another question asks: Do you establish routines in your life?

Yes; though these routines are always broken after a while. I know there definitely was a time I wasn’t being a moderate consumer and a binger of activities and whatnot, but because of the consequences of some of those things I’ve acquired a philosophy of moderation, of quality over quantity. I no longer buy the exact same cookies from the same place at the same time of day, as a petty example. When I travel downtown I always make sure I change my route between the same destinations. I’m much more open to taking new challenges, resetting my goals. I don’t want to be predictable, in both physical activities and state of mind. But I will try new routines in day-to-day life to see what could be a better method for myself, like setting up early alarms as I’ve recently done. Sometimes I try to force myself to use this blog once every week or so, but, ya know..

I love improvising though. I don’t want to have a set schedule in my life that I need to or feel the need to run by every so often. To me it’s always about how we’ll get from point A to point B, never using a previous method, and always making sure we get there before dark. I tend to just follow my feet, go wherever they wanna go.

And now some admission:

There’s a woman in my life who I’ve been gradually been falling for, and tonight I’ve realized the depth of it. I feel a little silly over it, and heartbroken. She has been in my life for at least five years, and I’ve always been into her to some degree, and always kept that from everyone. She’s shown me more and more interest in hanging out, and we’ve done what we can to this point. What is making me write this now was that tonight I remembered her, after having gone the whole day without thinking of her, and when I did I felt panicked! I just, wished I could be there to see her, hear her, again. I wished it was much more often. Her company makes me so incredibly happy. The panic was joined by shame; because who was I to have this feeling for her? We’ve barely been finally keeping in touch slightly more often and this intense rush of panic shows me how out-of-proportion my feelings are. I simply don’t believe she’s as into me, or will ever like me as much as I’ve liked her, for me to deserve her love. That’s what shamed me; the self-rejection. I want her to understand that I support her in her struggles to be a stronger mother, student, person. I don’t want to ruin my bond I have with her, therefore I am deeply conflicted when I consider wanting to be her boyfriend. I know it’s still to soon though; it would be a risk too big to take. So instead of showing her these feelings, I’ll keep them here, practically hidden.


One response to “Am I falling in love?

  1. I can completely resonate with your feelings.. but at some part you need to tell her and make her feel special rest is up to destiny that’s the advice internet will give but it’s tough to do… I will advice you to write everything you feel about her in a diary or blog then someday give her that ink and wait for her reply 🙂

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