Write Me Off (The Difference)

[11/26/16]

I feel the numbness carry in
An uninvited guest within
Beating slower and slower
I become the mannequin

Floating to the river bed
The sheets become my closest friends
I pick the warmest one
To join me to the end

I feel dumb
Going numb
Am I really improving
Or am I getting used to it

Did you make it to the scene
Where the dragons in between
All the mountains how they lean
Towards the sun and the unseen

My eyes drain inside
My tendency to hide
In the shaded areas
Where we met

My feet taken down
By the weight of the world
I wanna give up
Knowing it’ll still swirl

And I lay
This is where I wanna stay
As the day
Reminds me of a warmer way

Without the sheets

He’s gasping
He’s gasping

That can’t be my reflection
It’s just another victim
Of a battered abused system
Leading him to my direction

I can feel the beating
He still carries his soul
Pulls out the notes and the pen
Will he write me off

Or will he make the mistake

The beating slows within
Has he improved
Has he gotten used to it

Be the difference
The better statistic

He sits on the edge
I lay on the river bed
He stares down the bridge
Wonders how the end

He’s crying
He’s crying
He’s crying
I’m crying

We feed the river
The difference

The sky brightens up
I can’t hide anymore
I can’t die knowing
There is more

With you in the sky

An uninvited guest within
I become the mannequin

a year since “Nohemi”

It’s been a year since the terrorist attack in Paris. The one American life lost in that event was Nohemi Gonzalez, CSULB student from El Monte, my hometown. It shocked me, opened my eyes a little more to the numbness from the terror around us. That event also inspired me to immediately record this track. It was the first track I recorded for the album “Tempted to Live,” which was about loneliness and losing loved ones. I put it as the final track to remember, after each time I listened to the album, why the album even exists. It reminds me how insignificant my pain was in comparison to what Nohemi and her family had experienced.

The weight of the world gets heavier each day, and you survive the weight by becoming stronger than you were the day before.

satisfactions

The question asks: If 100 people your age were chosen at random, how many do you think you’d find leading a more satisfying life than yours?

I might believe fewer than half. Let’s say I’d find at most 44 people more satisfied than myself. I feel that coping with loneliness will be a pretty large factor in others’ answers, and I don’t believe the majority of these 100 random people would have mastered the skill of being alone. I think I have, though. I always see a hint of loneliness through the things my friends say on social media. Sometimes it’s the core of their problems.. I spend most of my time alone, at least three days a week traveling completely alone on busses, trains, through LA County. I go to parks and museums with my camera and search for other signs of loneliness in the world, but do not find it. We are all vastly connected, instantly reachable. I understand that the older we get, the less time we have to spend with people we met in the past who we’d like to be with for a bit longer. Communication is key; every few months or years I send short messages to people I don’t see on a regular basis because I still want that friendship to exist. A friend to me is anyone who, as of the last time we had met or contacted, I had a positive connection with; Everyone else is a potential friend. So if anyone ever has the (unlikely) existential crisis of “omg does Elmo even care about me anymore?!” just think of how the last time we met went. The answer might be so clear, it is unclear.

Money seems to be another issue. I don’t find money as a problem for myself, but I recognize I wouldn’t be able to survive/ sustain living alone or being in a relationship with the job I currently have. In fact, I can’t make friends in job because people leave very quickly, which further reinforces the loneliness in my life. It’s not that good a job; but why should I get myself one any better than this at my age? Also, The largest portions of money that I spend is on marathons or half-marathons. Clothing is my next largest investment, though I only buy plain t-shirts and running/ comfy stuffs. And even then I only spend on these things like at least every 5 months or more. So having even the slightest positive flow of moneys each month keeps me highly satisfied. I don’t think half of the random people would be okay with the basics of life as I have, in the context of moneys and loneliness. Because they want greater things in life, because maybe they’re falling behind in their dreams, because their time in the world is never certain, I dunnooo really, I’m not a fan of having to speak for 99 random people my age..  I don’t think students being given large sums of moneys from the govt will be dealing with the money issue though. I live with what I got, and it’s barely enough. Doing things in the name of money, other than for basic necessities, to me is unhealthy. I have a feeling most people would disagree.

So using these two examples, I know it’s not a perfect way to live, but hey, at least my life leads me to believe I’m having it better than 56 of 100 random people my age. xP

post election thoughts

{originally posted on Facebook}

Sorry for this long post; I had to sleep on these thoughts before venting again. I might get too emotional by the end but I always do that. If you find a mistake on the spelling/grammar/word use, fourgive me four eye am hueman…

I planned to be away from Facebook (and Instagram) for a couple months, given how intoxicated it made me feel to scroll down the bottomless feed, and although Twitter is too limiting for me with 140 characters, I tend to go on only during elections as I did last night. I noticed a lot of friends feeling appalled, anxious, mournful by the election results… some thinking about the communities that had worked so much for so long for their chances at liberty, only to have it all fall short given what we’ve heard from the president-elect during the campaign. I watched the whole campaign in detail, from the first candidates tossing themselves in the ring, to the final match that not even the previous night’s statistics had predicted correctly. I fell in love with the primaries, each debate, the late night shots on the candidates. It inspired me more to search a way to help as many people as I could in the few decades I have left.

I learned from what I saw and read about this crappy political atmosphere we’re in, that it’s cyclical. Given our top choices we are set to hit rock bottom in society all over again. Terrible presidents preceded the Great Depression, and it took a New Deal to fix as much of it up as we could, where the focus was now on the people. They were thigh-deep in the crap back then, and they shoveled most of it away up until the 80s. The 90s is where the progressive movements seemed for sure at a halt to me; it was the top, the new decline set to begin, the period of time where the government would forget about its people and focus on the money. The crap slowly piling up. If Clinton were to be elected, we’d have at least four more years before a worse president with the same message as Trump and not as terrible of a character would be bound to take the White House. And then four years of that.

I took a guess that it would be about three presidents from now when we’d again be thigh-deep in the crap, and it would all have to reset again. We’ll hit rock bottom. But now with Trump, I notice that his presidency could accelerate the piling of crap onto us. We’re gonna hit rock bottom faster, either with him or the next. I tend to find it difficult to not see the good in things, so I concluded that, sure we might hit rock bottom faster now, but the good thing about being at the bottom is that from there you can only go up. We can only progress. And it’ll require intense struggle. We can shovel it and focus on the people, then eventually find justice for the unjust. Otherwise the system would be “rigged.”

I noticed a lot of people completely dumbfounded that so many would vote for Trump. I thought about our broken education system, ruled by corporatists that look for the money, not the improvements for us. Too many years have gone and we still have to bubble in our way into sheeplings. It is designed in such a way that we could more easily blame the teachers or its students instead of the corporations and governments responsible. Very few might find a way to beat ‘this system,’ but without money there is little hope in this world. Realizing our education system needs reform is the first step; I have no answer as to how this can be fixed.

I noticed many people declaring this American life wasn’t worth living now, that it’s okay to give up on trying to be more than what you are, that we can’t fix this. Again, once we’re in rock bottom we’ll only be able to look up. Trump might pull out a Trump and fix something. Trump might also knock down our hopes and raise the hurdles (He’ll have Congress and the Supreme Court on his side). The struggle will be heavier to carry than before, but it might raise a good amount of progressive leaders out of us. We just have to get back up the mountain, climb. Fight. Challenge THEM. Give up? If it was okay to let this kind of crap take us down, this nation wouldn’t be here. Because those progressive leaders did rise up after the Depression.

Don’t feel useless. These struggles do not take individuals. It usually takes millions. A TEAM. Have you not learned this yet from watching sports, from The Walking Dead? xP Those one shot heroes only exist in film, in comics. And even there it might not always be one person. You’re not alone. I’m good at being lonely and as I am I still never feel alone. Because I look up and can’t help but notice that I have something in common with the clouds. We’re temporary. So is money.

We aren’t given much time on this planet, not enough to spend it hating, holding grudges and prejudices. Those moments are never the best of us. We can’t sit around hoping for the best in them to save us from the darkness inside. We each all our pain to bask in, our struggles. To give up is to not struggle. On the individual level, we can still love. We can still make sure our future choices are not as poisonous. That’s all I’d recommend.

I always come around to my senior quote. :F Given by the former slave Frederick Douglass: “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.”
Trump might have Washington but he won’t have the progressive movements.

I won’t wait for a better world, I want to keep making sure I’ve earned it. We deserve the love that will come to us in the future if we deserved the hate that has come upon us.